Rebuilding Trust in Relationships: 5 Things to Consider

by | Apr 4, 2018 | Children, marriage, couples, counseling, mental health, parenting, relationships |

There are feelings of betrayal when someone you cared for has lied to you. Pain and bitterness may follow. There are many questions and doubts about the relationship as a whole. Many wonder if the relationship can be salvaged. The deceiver also experiences a different pain. For both sides, the thoughts of the hopelessness about the relationship arises. For couples that want to stay together, fixing the relationship is possible.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have worked with many couples over the years where trust has been breached. There are several key things that is valuable to know in order for trust to be rebuilt:

  1. Patience. When an individual lies, trust is gone and work needs to start from the bottom up. It is important to have acceptance and patience as rebuilding takes time. A simple “I’m sorry” or discussing what happened a few times does not solve the problem completely. It could take months or years.
  2. Accountability and commitment. The relationship cannot move forward unless the deceiver takes ownership for their actions. Also, both partners need to be committed to the process. A relationship requires two individuals; rebuilding trust requires two as well.
  3. Listen & validate. Listen with an open mind. Being defensive while somebody is speaking is not listening. It is about putting yourself in your partner’s  shoes and vice versa. Validate the individual by saying, “I would feel the same the way if someone had hurt me like the way I hurt you – I can understand where you are coming from.” Being able to listen without raising your defenses and validating the other as often as possible will help the relationship take a big step towards healing and rebuilding.
  4. Actions. This is a critical piece. With trust building, actions speak louder than words. The deceiver needs to show over a period of time that they have made changes and the changes here to stay. Over a period of time, there will also be a rise in trust in the relationship.
  5. The New Normal. Even after the relationship is rebuilt, it will never be same. Both partners have gone through changes in order to overcome the hurt. Growth and new perspectives come with the territory changing the dynamics of a relationship. Instead of mourning the loss of the old, partners should celebrate the new.

It is a difficult process to fix a relationship, but it is possible. Taking these 5 key points to heart can help and the relationship could even emerge stronger than ever. For additional support, it is best to seek out a Marriage & Family Therapist who can help you through the process.